happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
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