i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
