I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
