There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
not ubering you a puppy
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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