i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Randomize
