If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize