god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
