I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
