hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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