My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize