i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
