So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
