So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
