i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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