i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
