rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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