I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize