I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I hate all girls vehemently.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
