I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
