You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
