Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
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