so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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