clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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