I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
These tits shall not be calmed
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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