My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Randomize
