and you said cock pushups were impossible
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize