don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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