I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
