Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
