His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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