remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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