mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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