Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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