I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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