My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
