so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
