his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Randomize
