I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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