Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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