I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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