neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
