I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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