Since when is my name a synonym for head?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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