I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
