The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
