I have demons in me.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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