she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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