he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
