she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
