I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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