Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize