there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
