Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
