is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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