the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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