Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
