If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
