The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
