the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
