Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
