my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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