You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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