Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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