Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
