I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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